'The Governator' Trailer Wreaks Havoc on Reality/Human Consciousness

This.... THING.... simply must be seen to be believed:

My first thought, naturally, was that this had to be some sort of joke. A cruel prank James Cameron was pulling on his old buddy Arnie at this momentous point in his already legendary career. But no, it is real, terrifyingly and unapologetically real. More than that, I'm starting to think it might be the perfect weapon, politically and commercially speaking.

Lets break it down:
- It's a cartoon about former governor Arnold Schwarzenegger retiring from politics (which is actually happening)
- He decides not to return to cinema, instead choosing to become a private citizen (which is... sort of happening? Does voice acting count as returning to film? I don't even know)
- When evil robots that can transform into what look like Smart Cars (suck it, Michael Bay) attack, Arnold is forced back into action
- With the help of his team of teenagers (interns?) he runs a complex military facility which houses his weapons, including a combination Kaneda's bike from Akira and Arnold's own hog from Terminator 2: Judgment Day
- Apparently Arnold's now some sort of cyborg/Power Ranger? Also he's been training with Neo from The Matrix?

Those are the facts, presented with minimal commentary. So the question then becomes, how do you make fun of that? Seriously, Arnold's an old dude, he's gained a lot of weight since he went into office (as referenced in his cameo in The Expendables); he's more than likely concerned about his image now that he's returning to... entertainment. This cartoon is literally the most ridiculous thing he possibly could have put out, and seems to predict all possible mockery. What do you say about something that is totally serious about being completely ludicrous? He's subverted any possibility of satire or derision by making it totally clear that he knows. What do you say to that?

The thing that really gets me about The Governator, though, is how fucking mind-bendingly meta it is. Upon retiring, Arnold has decided to make a cartoon about him retiring. Does the Arnold in the cartoon make a cartoon in the cartoon about him not becoming a politically themed superhero? (Note: if that story becomes an episode somehow I want royalties. You are my witness, the Internet) I'm having a mental Crisis on Infinite Earths just thinking about the possibilities. Large Hadron Collider be damned, Arnold Schwarzenegger's cartoon about his own retirement is going to create a black hole that swallows us whole, at least culturally.



On an unrelated note, I hope you'll excuse me if this is the last post for a while. I'm about to go into exams and so I'm probably not going to be posting for a few weeks. Cheers till then!

Michael Bay on 3D Upconversion

I've made it clear in the past that I'm not the biggest fan of Michael Bay. His testosterone-fueled approach to film making encapsulates all of the irritating stereotypes about Americans: the overt racial and sexual insensitivity, the sheer superficiality, and the obsession with the military, to name but a few. His films are gloriously tepid affairs purporting to be epics due to the size of their pyrotechnic budgets. He seems to be doing nothing but perfecting his financially-guaranteed production formula, and each of his films comes at a steep cost to the collective intelligence. Bay's movies are the cinematic equivalent of McDonalds, and so as far as I'm concerned the dude can go drown in one of his many swimming pools filled with money.


For the sake of full disclosure I should note here that I fucking adore The Rock, and am thus a giant hypocrite. Moving right along...


Because Avatar made more money than AIG lost in 2008, 3D is now the next big thing for movies. At least as far as the suits are concerned it's a good way to make a lot of money, and so there are going to be a lot more 3D films in the future. In particular studios are pushing for their blockbuster tentpole releases to come out in 3D, and that includes the next iteration in the cultural vortex that is the Transformers franchise. A year ago Bay stated his suspicions about 3D being a fad, and his hesitancy to adopt it. At the time it was a reasonable stance to take given the unproven nature of the medium. On this side of Avatar, however, there is a little bit more pressure for him to utilize the technology for his next act of intellectual terrorism. He acknowledged this pressure a few months ago when he started doing tests to give the technology a shot.


A little over a week ago Bay clarified his stance on 3D, and specifically addressed the difference between shooting in 3D and converting 2D film to 3D. The former was on display in Avatar, the latter can be seen in piece of shit like Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland or the remake of Clash of the Titans. I'm including Bay's quote in full below, as I read it over at /Film:


“I shoot complicated stuff, I put real elements into action scenes and honestly, I am not sold right now on the conversion process. … I am trying to be sold, and some companies are still working on the shots I gave them. Right now, it looks like fake 3D, with layers that are very apparent. You go to the screening room, you are hoping to be thrilled, and you’re thinking, huh, this kind of sucks. People can say whatever they want about my movies, but they are technically precise, and if this isn’t going to be excellent, I don’t want to do it. And it is my choice. … I’m used to having the A-team working on my films, and I’m going to hand it over to the D-team, have it shipped to India and hope for the best? This conversion process is always going to be inferior to shooting in real 3D. Studios might be willing to sacrifice the look and use the gimmick to make $3 more a ticket, but I’m not.  Avatar took four years. You can’t just shit out a 3D movie. I’m saying, the jury is still out.”


Wow. In a stunning turn of events, Bay seems to have a completely reasonable and awesome perspective on the whole debacle. His movies are, yes, technically precise, and if he thinks the 3D cameras are too bulky for his style of shooting then fair enough. As with IMAX technology, 3D necessitates certain sacrifices and considerations; it is different from traditional 2D film and thus requires a different style in order to make it work. If Bay doesn't want to deal with all that then he is well within his rights, and frankly no big loss. It is incredibly refreshing, however, to hear his open dismissal of the 3D upconversion process. I am in complete agreement with his evaluation of that practice as a money-grabbing gimmick. Nothing that has been produced using the conversion process has been notably good, and much of it has been abhorrently bad, in particular the recent Alice in Wonderland. That movie featured sequences that were near unwatchable due to the crappy use of 3D technology, such as the rabbit hole scene which looked more like an extended motion blur than anything else.

It's not often that someone like Michael Bay comes out and says something so honest and awesome about the film industry. I just wanted to acknowledge this moment for the sake of posterity, and to highlight the fact that 3D upconversion is a shitty fad that we hopefully wont have to suffer through for very long.

How It Should Have Ended: Transformers 2

The "How It Should Have Ended" video series is pretty hilarious. The reimagining of the Superman ending is still probably their funniest entry, but almost everything they've ever done is worth watching. I'm not totally sure that this is new, but today I found the ending they put together for Transformers 2. Given how much I've discussed the ridiculous number of things that are wrong with that film, it would seem wrong not to post this:

Robocop, Transformers, and sexism and racism in blockbuster movies

So now that I've seen Robocop I actually feel somewhat vindicated in my lack of surprise at the racism and sexism in Transformers 2. I mean, yes, it's awful, and possibly the most overt example of prejudice in a Hollywood film in recent memory, but does that make it remarkable, or unique in its offensiveness?

Take the scene in Robocop when Nancy Allen's character essentially sets the plot of the entire film in motion by being unable to stop herself from taking a peep at the penis of the black member of Kurtwood Smith's gang. She has him at gunpoint, ready to be arrested, but his penis is out, and when she looks down for a second he hits her and puts her temporarily out of commission. As a result she is unable to come to Murphy's aid, he gets gunned down, etc., becomes Robocop. The entire plot hinges on this sexist and racist joke. Of course she's unable to stop herself from looking at the black man's penis, which is, of course, gigantic and thus worth looking at.

Transformers 2: Take Two; or, The Revenge of Michael Bay

I want to start this second post on Transformers 2 off with a few choice quotes. The first comes from Maryann Johnson, whose review of the film I linked to at the end of my last post. In it she astutely points out that,

“… Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is like the most totally awesome artifact ever of the end of the American empire. It’s so us, a preposterously perfect reflection of who we are: loud, obnoxious, sexist, racist, juvenile, unthinking, visceral, and violent... and in love with ourselves for it. And Michael Bay is the high priest of our self-engrossment. … What we have right here is the Easter Island statue of our legacy.”

Once again, her full review is available at http://www.flickfilosopher.com/blog/2009/0

6/062309transformers_revenge_of_the_fa.html, and it's one of the better pieces on the movie out there. Now, somewhat more succinctly, I want to quote David Chen of /Film, discussing Transformers 2 at the beginning of last week’s /Filmcast. In discussing his initial, unformed thought on Michael Bay’s latest opus, he says,

“Basically I think Transformers 2 perfectly encapsulates everything that’s wrong, not only with America, but with American cinema.”

Transformers 2

Ok, so Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen isn't really worth one of my long-winded rants, but it certainly merits a post, especially considering how long it's been since I made a public one. Julian and I had a long chat abut the movie over a few post-viewing drinks last night, so I'm going to try and get out some of the things we discussed on paper, erm, the internet...

Oh, and spoiler warnings, as per usual